Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I pour the whiskey from now on
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
