At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He passed out mid-signature
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
