Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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