i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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