Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
