i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
