Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize