Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
