i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
