tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
