Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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