my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
