Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Is this like a preordered booty call?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
