I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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