I wanna bring you to show and tell
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Life is so much better after having sex.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
