I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
