Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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