Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
