My hand turned me down
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
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