Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Are my feet made of real feet?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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