ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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