my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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