next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
do herpes really smell.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
