I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
