my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
we're making bets on your personal life
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
