i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
