Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Slut skills are useful in every country.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
