you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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