Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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