Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
