bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I think I have vodka in my lungs
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
