$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
