I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize