I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
