Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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