I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
