So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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