Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
smell my finger.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
