My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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