apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize