Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
