I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
