im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
