Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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