I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
