My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
