I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
