You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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