I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
