Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
